A Watermelon's Lament

The life of a watermelon isn't particularly interesting. This can be due to its slow growth, boring shape, or smooth texture. But it's most likely due to its short lifespan.

They may be boring fruits, but the truth is this: watermelons are a much-abused type of melon, both emotionally and physically.

Many might argue that watermelons do not have feelings, therefore they cannot be abused or even know what abuse is. But how would THEY know? They've never had the misfortune of being one!

I know, because I was a watermelon for a while. I didn't like it. It's cold and uncomfortable and people try to open you up with all types of vicious-looking weapons. They might cut you open with a knife, throw you at someone, slice you with a machete, or even smash you with a large, unforgiving hammer! Who would like THAT?

It's depressing just lying there on the ground, knowing that you're about to get cut for your home, but never knowing if you're going to be sliced open, or smashed to bits by some weird guy with a large, menacing hammer. And the gruesome fact still remains that you will almost always get devoured, usually by someone who will just gobble you down without taking the time to appreciate your subtle, juicy flavor. That's just blasphemy altogether.

Many watermelons have tried to escape these messy fates by simply rolling off the table--or whatever surface they're laid upon--to their deaths. It kills them instantly, and they barely feel a thing as they hit the ground and all of their juicy insides get splattered all over the place. It's not quite as messy as a blow with a very large hammer, but it comes fairly close, and doesn't allow people the satisfaction of doing it themselves at sadistic rituals called summer barbecues and comedy clubs. They also can't eat you, which is a shame because then you won't be enjoyed, but it is also good for you because you can still retain a little bit of dignity.

People are beginning to wise up to this suicidal watermelon business, and some are starting to prevent it by making the watermelons grow into rectangular shapes. They do this by placing us inside of cinder blocks when we're small and forcing us to grow into this cold, cramped space. Eventually, we are molded into a rectangular prism shape and shipped off to stores to be eaten by buyers with expensive square tastes. This method of torture is not only, well, torturous, but also emotionally and physically abusive--it makes the watermelons feel inadequate. It gives them confidence and self-esteem issues that only years of therapy can fix. The problem with that is, we don't live long enough to get that much therapy, and there is a severe shortage of watermelon social workers.

All of these cruel actions against watermelons are especially unfair, as we do not have legs, and therefore cannot escape easily--especially if we are no longer round in shape. We are helpless and at the mercy of the weapons of humans.

Hopefully, now that you have learned about the love/hate crimes against watermelons, you will take a stand against watermelon violence and pledge to treat watermelons as your equals.

After reading this, you're probably not going to hurt us anyone, right?

...Please, think of the watermelons!